Many people approach their first matchmaking session the way they'd approach a job interview — presenting their best self, keeping the difficult stuff vague. This is understandable but counterproductive. The more honest and self-aware you can be from the start, the better the introductions will be.

Here's what to think through before you begin.

Get clear on what you actually want — not what sounds good

There's a difference between what we say we want in a partner and what we actually respond to. "Kind, emotionally available, good communicator" sounds right. But do those descriptors reflect the people you've actually been drawn to? If not, why not?

Before your session, spend some time thinking honestly about the qualities that have drawn you to past partners — including the ones you know weren't good for you. Patterns are information. A good matchmaker will ask about this, and your honest answer will shape the search significantly.

Understand your dealbreakers — and which are genuinely non-negotiable

Most people have a long list of dealbreakers when they start thinking about it. Many of these are genuine; some are rationalised preferences that sound more principled than they are.

Think about which items on your list are truly non-negotiable (values, life goals, children, location) and which are preferences you could flex on if everything else were right. A matchmaker can work with real dealbreakers. A list of forty non-negotiables is harder to work with.

Be ready to talk honestly about why previous relationships ended

This is the part people most want to skip. But your relationship history is your matchmaker's most important data. The patterns in how your relationships have started, developed and ended tell them far more about who to introduce you to than any profile description could.

You don't need to have everything figured out. But you do need to be willing to reflect honestly, rather than presenting a version of events that casts you in the best light.

Know your availability — practically and emotionally

Matchmaking works best when you're genuinely ready to meet someone. This sounds obvious but often isn't. Are you over your last relationship? Are you actually available to invest time in dating? Are there significant life events (a move, a career change, a difficult family situation) that would make it hard to be present?

There's no shame in saying "I'm interested in starting this process but need a few months." A good matchmaker will work with that. Starting before you're ready wastes everyone's time — including yours.

Prepare for honest feedback

Part of what you're paying for in professional matchmaking is expertise — including feedback you might not want to hear. If your matchmaker tells you that something about how you're presenting yourself is likely creating a barrier, or that a specific expectation is unrealistic given what you're offering, that feedback is valuable.

Going in with an open mind — genuinely open, not just politely nodding — will get you much further than going in to have your existing views confirmed.

Questions to ask a potential matchmaker

Before committing to a matchmaking service, it's worth asking:

  • How large is your active database, and how do you recruit new candidates?
  • How many introductions can I expect, and over what timeframe?
  • What happens if I'm not happy with the introductions — is there a feedback process?
  • Do you work with clients in my age range and situation regularly?
  • Can you tell me about a successful match you've made recently?

A good matchmaker will welcome these questions. Vague or defensive answers are a signal to look elsewhere.

A two-week preparation plan

Preparation does not require much time, but it works considerably better spread across a fortnight than compressed into the evening before. The reason is simple: your first answers to these questions are rarely your real ones, and the gap between them appears only with a few days in between.

Week one. Write your requirements without editing, then leave them alone for four or five days. Separately, write two paragraphs about each of your last two significant relationships: what worked, and what you now think ended it. Do not attempt to be fair. You can revise later.

Week two. Return to the requirements and mark each item as either "a relationship cannot work without this" or "this would be a bonus". Expect the second list to be much longer than it felt when you wrote it. Then reread the relationship paragraphs and underline anything that appears in both. Repeated patterns are the single most useful thing you can bring to a first consultation.

Finally, look at your calendar for the coming eight weeks and identify, honestly, how many evenings you could give to meeting someone new. Write the number down. It will be lower than you expect and more useful than any other preparation.

What to have ready in practical terms

  • Two or three recent photographs that look like you. Not the most flattering ones — the most representative. A candidate who meets someone noticeably different from the picture starts the evening recalibrating.
  • Your genuine notice period for meetings. Four days, a week, same-day: whatever it is, state it so introductions can be scheduled rather than negotiated.
  • A short, honest account of your work. Enough for a candidate to understand your hours and travel, which affects compatibility more than job titles do.
  • Your position on children, plainly stated. Want them, have them, do not want more, undecided. This is the requirement most often softened at intake and most often decisive later.
  • Any constraint you would find embarrassing to mention. A health matter, a family obligation, a financial arrangement. If it will shape a relationship, it belongs in the consultation and nowhere else.

The mistakes worth avoiding

Almost everyone makes at least one of these, and each has the same effect: it degrades the quality of the introductions you receive.

Presenting a curated self. The instinct to perform is strong, and it produces introductions matched to a person who is not you. The mismatch surfaces at the second meeting, having wasted the first.

Hiding therapeutic work. Clients often omit this, worried it reads as damage. It reads as self-knowledge, and it is one of the more encouraging things a matchmaker can hear.

Describing an aspiration as a requirement. "Someone athletic" often means "someone who does not mind that I run at weekends". The second is workable; the first removes half the pool for no reason.

Understating how busy you are. Overstating availability to seem like an easy client leads to cancelled meetings and a search that stalls. Fewer introductions you can actually attend is a better arrangement.

Treating the consultation as a pitch. You are not auditioning. Trying to be impressive rather than accurate is the single most reliable way to receive introductions that do not fit.

Money, faith and family: raise them early

These three subjects account for a disproportionate share of promising introductions that fail at the third or fourth meeting, almost always because nobody said anything at the start.

You do not need to disclose figures. You do need to state the shape: whether you expect finances to be combined or separate, whether a substantial difference in income would trouble you, whether religious practice is something you want shared or simply respected, and how much involvement you expect from extended family in your daily life.

None of these is romantic and all of them are structural. A matchmaker can match on them precisely if you are specific — and cannot if you leave them to be discovered.

The first week after your consultation

Preparation does not end when the meeting does, and the week afterwards sets the tone for the whole engagement.

Send anything you thought of afterwards rather than saving it for next time; the brief is most malleable in the first days. Reread whatever the matchmaker sent you and query anything that does not match what you said, because a misunderstanding caught in week one costs nothing and caught in month three costs an introduction. Put two provisional slots in your calendar so the first meeting does not wait on scheduling. And if the consultation raised something uncomfortable about your own patterns, sit with it rather than dismissing it — that discomfort is usually where the useful information is.

Common questions

How long is a first consultation? Commonly one to three hours, sometimes across two sessions. If it is offered as twenty minutes, ask what the assessment is actually based on.

Should I bring notes? Yes. Nobody minds, and it produces a far better conversation than trying to recall your own requirements under mild pressure.

Will I be asked about income? Usually about lifestyle rather than figures, though some agencies do verify financial details for higher-fee searches. You are entitled to ask why the information is needed and how it is stored.

What if my answers change after a few introductions? That is expected and useful. Say so explicitly rather than quietly declining candidates who match your original brief.

Related reading: what to talk about on a first date - dos and don'ts

Preparation matters most in the first conversation — see how the process works, from consultation through to curated introductions.